GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
