this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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