I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
