We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
