Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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