my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
