I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize