I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
