just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
