you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
