Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
