i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize