That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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