i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
