I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
