It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize