Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize