he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
