I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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