I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
