My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
