I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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