So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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