Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
