Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
