Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
