i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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