so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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