I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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