I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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