glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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