Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
