If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
