Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
