We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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