You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
