Someone shit on the floor
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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