12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
