When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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