I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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