So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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