If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
