when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She's the barista slut.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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