piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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