It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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