someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
