I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
