were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
