dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
