I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize