I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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