Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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