YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
