I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
