My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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