we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's official drugs can't kill me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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