i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
