Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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