I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize